If You Don't Know What You Need
by BonesBird
Summary: Jon hears gossip that his wife might be pregnant, and gets worried that she hasn't spoken to him about it.


**And another one moved over from AO3. Set in the roleplay universe in 2156.**

**This one has some pretty heavy themes and conversations in it including miscarriage and abortion so... if you're sensitive to those subjects be warned. They are only mentioned though, there is no detail involved. Icka remember this one?**

**Shin xx**

* * *

Gossip had always spread quickly through the NX fleet, but this was something he hoped wasn't true. For the first time in a long time he was worried about a piece of gossip. Especially as it seemed the news was third hand. He shouldn't get his hopes up about it either, because if it was true, surely Erika would have called him.

They'd been married almost 7 months, and while they had spoken about children, they hadn't decided on anything. He had always been the one who wanted a family, she had always been the one who stalled on it. Her life plans hadn't included a family, but it seemed she was entertaining the idea more now than she had in 10 years, since they'd lost the first baby they'd tried for.

It didn't matter to him, really, if they had children. While he did want them, if his life went the way that his family was just himself and Erika- he could still be happy with it. Because she would be worth it either way. But what if she was pregnant? What if she just hadn't told him yet because she needed to figure her things out? A serving Captain falling pregnant would probably not reflect all that well on Starfleet. Especially not an NX captain. Technically two NX Captains, though he already knew that it was very different for them, she would have to sign her ship over to someone else, and would have to live on Earth. He would be left with Enterprise and things would be fine, and he would have a family to go home too. But they were all selfish reasons.

He should just speak to her, get to the bottom. He could always call Gia, Erika's best friend back on Earth, and seemingly the source of the gossip. But all Gia would do would be to tell him to call her. He spent his entire shift thinking about it, about what it might mean for them. The second he could get back to his quarters he pressed the details to call through to Columbia, knowing that she would be happy to speak to him regardless, and he needed to know. He waited for the call to connect, panic rising in his chest as it did.

"Jonathan, I didn't expect your call this early?" She asked, and he nodded. Still worried about what she was going to say, and how she'd take his question.

"I heard some interesting gossip today. Is there something you need to tell me?" He said, looking at her seriously, for a few moments there was a look of utter confusion on her face, until it clearly dawned on her what he meant. She flushed red and he wondered for a moment if it was embarrassment or anger.

"It was a false alarm." She shook her head and massaged her temples a little. She wasn't pregnant, and while that saddened him, he could tell she was a little relieved. Maybe she wouldn't have told him had it not been on the grapevine. That worried him more than anything else possibly could have done.

"You still could have told me."

"I didn't know what to say." She replied, looking back at him, and he could read the apology in her gaze. "Apparently Gia mentioned something to Simon and it spread from there. I was late and I didn't want to go to Johanna if I was worrying myself for no reason."

"Worrying?" He asked, not sure if he liked that description, though his own thoughts on the matter made him realise how stupid it would have been had she not been worried.

"Jon. Don't read into this. We're at war."

"If you had been pregnant?" One of his biggest worries, he had seen the devastation they'd both had years earlier and maybe she hadn't wanted to get attached to the idea again when she would have known it was possible that the baby would grow up without a father, or a mother depending on if she'd returned to Starfleet. What if she hadn't wanted the baby even if she had been pregnant.

"I don't know."

"Would you have gotten rid of the baby?" The words slipped out before he'd even thought.

"Never." She answered immediately. Erika's face told him that she was a little saddened and offended he'd even had to ask that question, and he knew he really shouldn't have. It wasn't as if this was the first experience they'd had, but maybe this time it was because there was so much pain in the universe, he wanted that one thing to be happy about.

"I'm sorry. I just- I needed to know." He tried to keep a neutral expression, but he was relieved and happy to have heard that answer.

"You just didn't think." She shook her head and looked at him still sadly, making him feel even worse about all of this. "If you want to know a secret, I'm a little disappointed too." Her head dropped to her chest, but he felt the smile on his face grow even wider. She was disappointed, that was news, and exciting news at that. But was she saying that just to make him happier.

"Really?"

"I had a week of thinking about this, Jonathan. Thinking about what he or she would look like, what he or she would be, and I started to get excited." She smiled, and he restrained himself from asking what she thought, what she'd imagined. He would wait until they were in person to hear that. He wondered if it matched up with what he imagined when he thought about it. Could this all mean that her position on a family had changed. That she might possibly want more than just the two of them.

"So does that mean that, maybe, we could think about a family?"

"After the war, yes. I'm not completely against it any more. I never expected to be in this position. You've known me long enough to know that." She muttered a little, and he thought back to the woman he'd sat on a porch with 15 years earlier who had told him that she didn't think a relationship or children were something she'd ever have. She'd also told him over the course of that conversation that she was annoying. He hoped he'd proved her wrong on the majority of that belief.

"I know, but the other thing I know is that I love you, I thought I proved that to you in December when you asked me to marry you. For 16 years it's been you and me against the universe. Even when we were apart, we were together. I never stopped thinking about you, Erika Hernandez."

"I love you too Jon. I have to get back to the Bridge. I'll call you tonight and we'll finish this conversation." Her face fell as she clearly ignored a call on the internal comm system.

"Be safe, Rike." He muttered, wishing for a moment that they were close enough to speak in person, but she was stuck commanding a drydocked ship, and he was out patrolling the boonies.

"Always." She smiled and as he reached forward to end the call she spoke again. "I'm sorry you had to find out about it through the grapevine Jon. I was just worried."

"I understand. Go be the captain, call me when you can. Even if it's the middle of the night." He smiled, and this time he did cancel the call. He then sat back and let Porthos jump up onto his lap, and as he sat there he thought about the news. Maybe he wasn't going to be a father in 10 months, but he was going to be a father. That was what he had gotten out of that call. He smiled to himself and looked down at Porthos. At least for now he had his dog, and his wife. That was enough for him. For now.


End file.
